When Setting Boundaries Feels Really Hard

Healthy boundaries in relationships have become a much more common topic of conversation in recent years—something you may not have heard much about 25 or 30 years ago. It is a good thing that we are thinking more carefully about protecting our well-being, our children, and our mental health. We are learning that we don't have to allow harmful behaviour or unhealthy relationships to continue unchecked.

But sometimes, it can feel like we have swung too far in the opposite direction.

It has become common to hear people describe others as “toxic” and quickly cut them out of their lives. Of course, there are situations where creating significant distance or ending a relationship is necessary, particularly when there is abuse, ongoing emotional harm, or a lack of safety.

But there are other situations where cutting someone off may feel like the easiest option rather than the healthiest one.

Sometimes, a conversation could be helpful. Sometimes, it may be worth asking yourself: Why does this person's behaviour hurt me so deeply? Could some of my reaction be connected to past hurts, experiences, or patterns that have not yet been addressed?

Could this be a relationship that might benefit from healing, forgiveness, or reconciliation?

And do you need the other person to participate in that process, or is there something you can work through on your own—or with the help of a therapist?

Boundaries Don't Have to Be All or Nothing

Setting boundaries doesn't have to mean making a dramatic change or walking away from someone completely.

Boundaries are often less about changing the other person and more about deciding what you are willing to give, receive, and participate in.

The person you feel you need to set a boundary with doesn't necessarily need to be given a formal announcement. Sometimes, you can simply make small adjustments to how you engage with them.

For example, maybe someone regularly calls you to vent for an hour, and you find yourself feeling drained afterward. A boundary might sound like:

“I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I really need to get going, but maybe we could talk about this more another time.”

Or perhaps you need to communicate something more directly:

“Mom, I know you feel like Dad has been a terrible husband, but I think he's been a pretty decent dad. Maybe you could find someone else to talk to about this, such as a therapist.”

Sometimes the boundary is even simpler:

“Please don't talk to my children that way.”

Or perhaps it looks like showing up to family dinners but leaving a little earlier—before Uncle Tom gets too drunk and says something that leaves you feeling angry or upset.

These are all examples of boundaries without necessarily ending a relationship.

Relationships Can Be Messy

The thing about relationships is that they can be messy.

Everyone has their own history, their own wounds, their own struggles, and their own particular humanness. Sometimes, what we are experiencing in a relationship is not abuse or toxicity, but simply the clashing of two imperfect people with different personalities, needs, expectations, and ways of communicating.

That doesn't mean you have to tolerate unhealthy behaviour. And it doesn't mean you shouldn't protect yourself or your children when necessary.

But it does mean that not every difficult relationship needs to end.

Sometimes, relationships need healthier boundaries. Sometimes they need honest conversations. Sometimes they need forgiveness. Sometimes they need professional help. And sometimes, unfortunately, they need distance.

Learning to recognize the difference can be difficult.

The good news is that there can be hope for change.

You don't have to give up on your relationships simply because they are hard.

If you are struggling to navigate healthy boundaries in your relationships and would like support, I would be honoured to walk alongside you.

I offer relationship counselling virtually across Ontario and would be happy to connect for a a free 15-minute consultation to discuss whether therapy might be helpful for you.

Written by Rochelle Tyme, Registered Psychotherapist